I don't draw past the middle of the nose and I don't draw the outline because there's something about it not ending that makes it look better. There's something about the absence of eyes that helps because I don't have to look them in the eyes and tell them who I am. Who I am. Who am I. Head. Heart. Heads. Hearts. Heads and hearts. I don't shape their lips into smiles instead I let my pen draw the edges that determine wether the glass is half empty or half full. I give them a mouth that is neither happy nor sad, it's more of a reflection. But the longer I stare the more that one is sad and that one is happy but that's not what I meant oh wait. Oh wait. That one is in the middle. My pen curved correctly and my fingers turned slightly but I'm not sure if it's smiling or frowning because it's not smiling or frowning. Less of a feeling and more of a thought. But I hate the grey. I love the color grey but when we dip ourselves in it even though that's the best shade of grey the paint store has got, it makes me anxious. You were given a piece of wood they said "paint your life a color" and you loved grey so you smothered it on and I did too but the color is so different from the lifestyle. That's what's deceiving about colors. They're colors but they're feelings and they don't translate back and forth from one to the other because they're too different. Too much the same. The grey is too much the same. Too much "ok"s for everything, too much nodding of the foreheads and too much standing still. Jump. Jump to the white and tell it you believe then proudly walk into the black and tell it you understand pick one not both. I like change, I hate when things stay the same too long. But I crave familiarity. And some things are too nice that I've learned to hate endings. Hate goodbyes. I hate goodbyes. And I want to hate you but I miss you and when I said I'll miss you what I meant was I love you. It wasn't about admitting it to you but to me, because I didn't mean to love you and I wasn't supposed to love you but every time my head tries to convince myself that I love you my heart slams a hand across my mouth but I needed to know so I tied up my heart with an under-frayed rope and I let my head say it. I love you. But I never told you. My heart popped with a firework of joy. But it's funny because by head I mean heart and by heart I mean head. Head. Heart. Heads. Hearts. Do we actually have any? Heads and hearts. I can't draw the outlines because I won't admit it ended and I don't draw past the nose because I can't look them in the eyes and tell them who they are.
Sorry but that's not okay when you pretend it's alright. You can't walk a path when you're still standing still and I think you left your feet behind you. I'd suggest opening up your chest and checking that you still have your heart because I think you locked it up back at home so it wouldn't become a nuisance but if you ask me you're prettier when its sewn on your sleeve. Sure it's intriguing when I can't find it and sure I want to sit with you until I have an accurate sketch of what I deduce your heart to look like but that's me being mystified by something that doesn't exist anywhere but my head. Stop giving us the opportunity to build that image and instead draw the real thing on your forehead so no one can be mistaken. Because I knew you when your face was happy and I knew you when people noticed your heart as you walked down the street but now I see people wonder and I don't think it's because you like that. I think it's because you're not aware and I was there and I didn't know but being aware and understanding to the best of your ability is a wondrous thing, try it out.
Since my June photo blog is finally up a month late I may as well send July's up there with it. This past month I learned that in order for relationsips to be anything worth missing you have to put some work in. Old news, I know, but often when you experience something first hand it becomes more realistic and something you may have heard your whole life finally makes sense because it actually applies to you. My dad reminded me tonight that it's really super important to go about living with an outward perspective instead of an inward. We cannot provide all the love, care, and nourishment that we need for ourselves. Silly lame little analogy: Let's say Ann and Blake are engaged, if Ann and Blake are both in the relationship seeking only to receive, their relationship won't be strong because they will both be sending empty boomerangs out that come right back to them without bringing anything home. If they go into the relationship sending arrows of love at eachother instead, they will both be giving love and by giving they will be recieving. Make any sense? I can see the little picture worked out in my head but don't know if I explained my thoughts well. Basically, you can't walk around town thinking only of what you want and what you desire and what you can get out of every situation because that will leave you empty. If you walk into your day with eyes open to find others needs and do your best to help and love them then you will be truly blessed because that is the example that Jesus set for us. It's a struggle, it really is, especially for me. But it is also a joy to live with an outward perspective and I am thankful for the people in my life who have been reminding me of that. I had the best weekend of my summer in July as well as the beginning of something very hard and want to be as thankful as I can for everything.
Now that July is over I may as well put up my June photo blog because obviously I'm very on top of things. I don't have much to say about June seeing as it finished over a month ago. There is one thing though that stands out to me as something I discovered to be very important: the first step to being "happy" is deciding every morning that you are in a good mood. A trap that I fall into more often than not is waking up searching for happiness and waiting for something superbly pleasant to happen in order to make me happy. I learned that if you wake up and immediately dress yourself in the mentality that everything is a blessing it is so much easier to find joy and amusement in not so pleasant things such as soggy cereal, being woken up by a screaming four year old, and forgetting your shoes when you are already late for work. Waking up and deciding to put your happy pants on sure won't fix all of your problems but it is a step and you can't get anywhere without taking steps. As I look back and try to think of what kind of month June was I simply remember that I didn't say thank you enough. I didn't say thank you enough and mean it. So time to start meaning it, yeah? finger painting roadtripping sunsets sweet children adventures the friends good eats tried my hand at creating some logos //l.b.
I'd like to say I remain unswayed but I don't know how well I know myself and I want to find the place to find myself and I might need to be shoved in a room and look myself in the eye and ask myself for truth because I'd rather not give it. I'd rather not give in. Drowning in ignorance sometimes feels ok because it doesn't feel it just numbs and numbing is easy because you don't hurt or care but trying is better because then you process and you learn and things aren't ok and it's ok for things not to be ok. It's ok to speak the word "no" when asked if you're doing ok. It's ok to feel bad and sometimes, not always and not even usually, but sometimes it helps to do something good when you feel bad and then you feel better and more understanding about being not ok. I'm going to go define "not ok" I'll let you know later.
"The land of 10,000 lakes" or as most people like to call it, Minnesota. Every year or so we get to travel to our cabin on Lake Ada in Minnesota and enjoy some good time in the north. I have a cousin, Tegan who kind of has an eye for photography and let's me take pictures of her when I ask nicely enough. One night we took advantage of the sunset on the dock and ended up with some fun shots.
You built a white prison because you thought that would make it clean and you colored pastels on the windows because you thought that would make it pretty and you cut off all your hair because you were afraid of lions. Then you met your best friend, a lion. So you put blue on your walls, deep dark blue and you put rubys in your windows to sharpen the light and you didn't touch your hair and it became wild. That was you. You all tied in a bow.
All the queens put on their pretty armor and they found a nice tree and they sat. They didn't discuss and they didn't express, they didn't feel they just sat. They let the salt roll down their cheeks but didn't know why and didn't care. It wasn't a matter of why or what because they had been asked not to feel and they obeyed. Except for the princess, still young enough too taste the salt she asked why in her head and she knew she wasnt allowed an answer or even the question herself but she didn't stop. She was crying because she wanted answers. The queens weren't even crying, they were just opening up and letting the salt fall out because they were told to and they couldnt do anything unless they were told to. They never questioned doing things they were not told to do because they only knew how to do things if the command had been issued. And it had. The princess understood, and she wasn't sad.
Things happen and people live. You draw out a tightrope but it's not tight enough so you fall left then veer right and neither one is the right direction because they slant and your head is too heavy and you know you're about to fall so you scream at the other end to tighten the string but no ones paying attention to you and your string so you continue to wobble and you're about to fall but someone snapped the string tight and now you're doing alright but you keep tripping from side to side like you're mind is foggy but the truth is it's so clear that it cleared away too much and now your thoughts are left and you make a plea "don't leave me alone with me" but it's been done and the try is worthless. But you try again. You try 12 more times till you realize someone's answered. They gave you back your bookshelves and you lined up your thoughts from biggest to small like toys or books or children's things and in that moment you had peace so you hopped up on your string and made it far with things figured out until you found a new struggle and a new friend and thus is life. Your string has yet to run out you know.
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