You don't tell her why you think it's right or why you're holding back. You don't fight her because you appreciate her. The way she doesn't care only because she cares so much. She is obnoxious and while you are aware it doesn't bother you. The way her little bitty heart stretches itself so very far and doesn't fail to rub off. You try to avoid her love, try to avoid letting her care reach you, try to shy away from that strong soul that you know will convict you. But why would you do that. It's the remedy you need. It's the oxygen you've been losing. So you tell me you don't want to heal and you'd rather not feel because a misplaced foot could give you a scrape? You don't understand you are not together. You are not you right now or anytime recent and people are forgetting. Forgetting that you can be that person. Forgetting that you are that person. Are you saying you forgot? You forgot you could feel? You forgot God loves you sweet one? Hey little fighter look me in the eyes because that is you. You are loved. You are strong. You are cared about. So open your eyes just a squint - no not that wide. I know our friend, she's got her eyes wider than the sea but you don't have to reach that place in one step. Take a lot of steps for me and with each one open your eyes a little wider. The more steps you take the more you learn. Don't hold back and as your eyes find beauty you heart will want its share as well. So let it taste it, let it have that beauty, let it remember that it is beautiful - or better put - wretched in the most beautiful way. Yep you'll figure it out. Well you won't really have to because you will realise figuring it out isn't the important part. Just keep taking steps little fighter.
Remember when you used to take walks and try to feel sad? Trying to think deep thoughts like the grown up's did because that's what you thought made you real. It's funny because you thought you needed to be sad and remorseful in order for people to take you seriously. You still struggle and constantly battle over whether to be honest or fake it for the others. Honest means telling people the things that come into your head, honest means admitting that you put honey in your tea, honest means singing badly on accident, honest means admitting that sometimes you don't mind wearing that pink scarf, honest means being really bad at art, honest means laughing outwardly at the unpopular kid and his funny jokes, honest means singing along to that disgusting pop song, honest means being super loud and obnoxious, honest means enjoying people and meaningless conversations, honest means instagramming your starbucks and using lol, honest means loving every single human being you come in contact with, honest means embracing your abilities, honest means trying, honest means being good at stuff, honest means not liking baked beans, honest means not enjoying long boarding alone, honest means an appearance of immaturity sometimes but you can choose. You can choose honest which means giggles, freedom, being real and being you with people who may not take you seriously and understand that you have a heart too or instead you can choose the outfit that keeps you stale, locked up and makes you forget how to feel and you may have some people respect you more but they probably won't think anything of you more than a pretty face. Wouldn't you rather them remember that happy one who couldnt stop loving instead of not remembering at all? It's a choice pal, one for you to make.
You found an old sweater in your basement that was really pretty ugly so you wrapped it around your shoulders and pretended royalty. It felt nice like you had your own magic and so you left it there. Ha. Magic. Magical moments wrapped with a sandy undertone are what inspire you. Delight you. Tickle your fancy little fancy. You aren't really like any of the other kids and just when you get close enough to call it best friends you realize that they probably won't ever fully understand you and so you swim in that shallow pool of deep understanding and make pretend. It makes you really nervous and you try to spit it all out but it's grown in pretty far.
They say their gift is going to be what's going to fill that hole and make everything better, they say it will be the thing you were always missing, the memory you weren't granted in childhood, the piece that they took from you too long ago. But you've never put anything in that hole. You aren't even sure if it was meant to hold anything. How are you supposed to unscrew the lid and let what they offer you in. How are you supposed to grin your little grin and make ammends when you never knew that was possible. It's all just a little strange but you'll be fine pal. Pain is temporary. Or at least that's what the movies say right? I can't quite figure it out though, wether they speak of the physical pain or the emotional pain. Either way both types of pain creep into each other in an achy sort of way. Physical pain comes with emotional ache and emotional pain often invokes physical aches. In all honesty I'm the type of person to usually hold strong in the belief that "pain is temporary - gain is forever" but sometimes when I'm wrestling with the dumps my fire for that motto dies down and I can see a bit more clearly of wether or not it's the way to be. The thing is whenever one pain ends another comes. So though each pain may be temporary - pain is something we will always live with and have to deal with. The way we choose to deal with it is the key. If we view the pain as a misfortune that is what it will be. If we view the pain as an opportunity we will end up seeing it as a form of love. Pain is life, it is the necessary yin along with the yang. Pain produces beauty and through beauty we remember to love. Love is painful and ravishing and magnificent and the production of pain. Embrace it. That's the answer I give myself and those who come to me for advice on so many things: embrace it. Embrace the pain and let it rip you up and tear you apart and that is how you will break through and discover what the pain produced and discover how to love with abandon. Loving with abandon has to be one of the hardest yet most freeing things to do. I usually write for myself, to get rid of that knot in my chest but I often hope that the things I say can help someone else out. To my readers - I know loving with abandon is not an easy task and you may very well be finding yourself unable to do so, but I encourage you to try once more, it's so worth it.
"There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast." -Charles Dickens
While in Mexico my camera was always by my side. This resulted in one crack of a ten dollar lens filter and a whole lot of pictures that will forever be dear to my heart. One thing that I always find myself noticing are shadows and lighting, whenever I saw a representation of this that caught my eye on spring break I took a photo of it. Here is a bit of a collection of some of these photos, they all make me so inspired because I am amazed at the way the brightest light can end in a strict line at any given moment and give way to utter darkness. |