Things happen and people live. You draw out a tightrope but it's not tight enough so you fall left then veer right and neither one is the right direction because they slant and your head is too heavy and you know you're about to fall so you scream at the other end to tighten the string but no ones paying attention to you and your string so you continue to wobble and you're about to fall but someone snapped the string tight and now you're doing alright but you keep tripping from side to side like you're mind is foggy but the truth is it's so clear that it cleared away too much and now your thoughts are left and you make a plea "don't leave me alone with me" but it's been done and the try is worthless. But you try again. You try 12 more times till you realize someone's answered. They gave you back your bookshelves and you lined up your thoughts from biggest to small like toys or books or children's things and in that moment you had peace so you hopped up on your string and made it far with things figured out until you found a new struggle and a new friend and thus is life. Your string has yet to run out you know.
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The hearts annoying isn't it? We show it the musical score we want played yet it prances away on it's own thrilling waltz with a dash of scream-o. You ask kindly but the instrument is oblivious to guidance and merely wants to mess with your head in a cruel but sadly sweet way. It hurts and you play along like you know the music but you don't and it breaks you down till your only fingers and toes. Toes. What are they for - if you use them correct you can win a life but they often slip and then you lose your own. But maybe we have toes so we can lose our lives and discover that we don't need them - discover that we can instead save other people's. That requires a heart don't you forget, but breathe out because it doesn't have to be tamed in fact just the opposite with a tint of self composure and you'll learn your walking steady now. Did you ever think of that little lady? When the doctor diagnosed you as lost did you think that it could save someone's life? Did you think you'd be walking steady only because your life had run away? No I don't think you did. But I have dripped in the seedlings and I ask you to water them thrice daily and till the ground when in need of fresh air. Don't worry about it wilting because this tree can't do that nope it'll just keep growing until it has taken over your mind and you have one mission. There she is the elegant mistress. She doesn't look nice but she isn't supposed too. She looks like art and art isn't supposed to look nice it's supposed to make you feel. You see she was once you and I gave her this tree and she watered it well but now she has too much love and hurts herself when she can't save enough lives. Don't worry though that was drawn in the lines. And underneath the hurt she's found a happiness that sticks and sweet one you too can find it so keep watering your tree and balancing on your toes and your heart will play the melody it wishes but now little fighter - you'll be able to sing along. I guess you needed to hear that "nobody but me" is a lie. I'm confused as to if there is more you could do or more you are supposed to be doing right now. None of us enjoy it when you're sick not even you.
I just want to take a ride and ride good and long and let the wind rush through my brain and blow out all the extra things that confuse me. I think that maybe if I do the wind will leave me with only the core and the strong pieces that couldn't be blown out and that way I will know what to think about. I will know what to prioritize and I will know what I'm really feeling and when I know those things maybe I can continue to live. Unfortunately that's not quite how things work but I was told of another way to settle down and keep living. It actually doesn't include any settling but instead learning how to be content in the unsettledness. Learning how to take the feeling of not knowing what you're feeling and work with that and keep carrying on despite the circus in your head. Let's not ignore it instead let us fall into it and breathe. That is when we will start to learn the lines drawn out for us. Try that? It hurts alot but it's a helpful hurt. Your mismuddled thoughts are tangling themselves faster and you are pretty sure no one else understands you at this point. You probably don't even understand.
Why are you still trying? I can't believe you actually just asked yourself that question. Little buddy you're still trying because it matters and it's ok if it matters and that is allowed I promise. Mattering is good, mattering means you're feeling and feeling means you're still awake and being awake means you're doing something right. Or someone's doing something right. I could consider that you asked because you needed to be asked and you were upset because you needed a fantasy-check. You're hiding in a fantasy from another fantasy and neither ones working. Now you're not making sense and you try once more not to give in and lose yourself because the more you scribble the more confused you seem but the more the possibility of finding yourself seems a possibility. Possibility...why do they say that? Everything's a possibility and denying the fact is admitting you've staled up. I guess once you grasp the not understanding part you have reached the peak of understanding. I'm not sure if that's plausible but it's what's happening and look, I see you've found a smile. That makes me smile and helps me to sit back into my pool of mismuddled happenings and take a breath of content. I see your fingers are wrapped around that smile because you don't want to lose it but you know we all lose our training wheels sometime and when you're ready feel free to let go because little sister, I know you can. Maybe if I tell myself enough. The last thing you would want to do is break the one that means so much to you. "Can't we all be friends please?" You whisper into your hair. It hurts you and you know it hurts them more but you wonder if that's ok and if that's right and if that's what's going to fix it. Breathe a little deeper now you'll be alright. What about them? They aren't yours and there's only so much you can do. So rest your beating heart because you still love them and God knows that my friend.
You say it too much but not near enough, how are you supposed to know who needs your voice today? You reach with your broken fingertips to build up their world but it tumbles faster than you were designed to handle. Someone else starts falling and you reach but you're too late and now you've lost them all. You say you didn't want to save the world you just wanted to save theirs but honey "just theirs" means everyone to you. Your small chin is melting down and you tell yourself you're useless, that the gift in your heart won't save anyone. Hey now little girl you have stars in your eyes don't let them fall out with your tears. God has given you capabilities and a full heart but he hasn't asked you to save lives.
You know you do right? You teach people how to save their lives but not everyone cares to know. Some people have broken through too many layers to consider taking your help. But even them, sweet one, even they feel your heart pounding in their faces enveloping them with love so get up off your knees and blow another kiss. Then a few more. I know you have endless and each are packed with remedies. Don't stop smiling because joining in their struggles doesn't fix them it only prolongs hurt. You make smiles you know? Keep doing it beautiful girl. You don't tell her why you think it's right or why you're holding back. You don't fight her because you appreciate her. The way she doesn't care only because she cares so much. She is obnoxious and while you are aware it doesn't bother you. The way her little bitty heart stretches itself so very far and doesn't fail to rub off. You try to avoid her love, try to avoid letting her care reach you, try to shy away from that strong soul that you know will convict you. But why would you do that. It's the remedy you need. It's the oxygen you've been losing. So you tell me you don't want to heal and you'd rather not feel because a misplaced foot could give you a scrape? You don't understand you are not together. You are not you right now or anytime recent and people are forgetting. Forgetting that you can be that person. Forgetting that you are that person. Are you saying you forgot? You forgot you could feel? You forgot God loves you sweet one? Hey little fighter look me in the eyes because that is you. You are loved. You are strong. You are cared about. So open your eyes just a squint - no not that wide. I know our friend, she's got her eyes wider than the sea but you don't have to reach that place in one step. Take a lot of steps for me and with each one open your eyes a little wider. The more steps you take the more you learn. Don't hold back and as your eyes find beauty you heart will want its share as well. So let it taste it, let it have that beauty, let it remember that it is beautiful - or better put - wretched in the most beautiful way. Yep you'll figure it out. Well you won't really have to because you will realise figuring it out isn't the important part. Just keep taking steps little fighter. Remember when you used to take walks and try to feel sad? Trying to think deep thoughts like the grown up's did because that's what you thought made you real. It's funny because you thought you needed to be sad and remorseful in order for people to take you seriously. You still struggle and constantly battle over whether to be honest or fake it for the others. Honest means telling people the things that come into your head, honest means admitting that you put honey in your tea, honest means singing badly on accident, honest means admitting that sometimes you don't mind wearing that pink scarf, honest means being really bad at art, honest means laughing outwardly at the unpopular kid and his funny jokes, honest means singing along to that disgusting pop song, honest means being super loud and obnoxious, honest means enjoying people and meaningless conversations, honest means instagramming your starbucks and using lol, honest means loving every single human being you come in contact with, honest means embracing your abilities, honest means trying, honest means being good at stuff, honest means not liking baked beans, honest means not enjoying long boarding alone, honest means an appearance of immaturity sometimes but you can choose. You can choose honest which means giggles, freedom, being real and being you with people who may not take you seriously and understand that you have a heart too or instead you can choose the outfit that keeps you stale, locked up and makes you forget how to feel and you may have some people respect you more but they probably won't think anything of you more than a pretty face. Wouldn't you rather them remember that happy one who couldnt stop loving instead of not remembering at all? It's a choice pal, one for you to make.
You found an old sweater in your basement that was really pretty ugly so you wrapped it around your shoulders and pretended royalty. It felt nice like you had your own magic and so you left it there. Ha. Magic. Magical moments wrapped with a sandy undertone are what inspire you. Delight you. Tickle your fancy little fancy. You aren't really like any of the other kids and just when you get close enough to call it best friends you realize that they probably won't ever fully understand you and so you swim in that shallow pool of deep understanding and make pretend. It makes you really nervous and you try to spit it all out but it's grown in pretty far.
They say their gift is going to be what's going to fill that hole and make everything better, they say it will be the thing you were always missing, the memory you weren't granted in childhood, the piece that they took from you too long ago. But you've never put anything in that hole. You aren't even sure if it was meant to hold anything. How are you supposed to unscrew the lid and let what they offer you in. How are you supposed to grin your little grin and make ammends when you never knew that was possible. It's all just a little strange but you'll be fine pal. |