My own work is almost inspiring me over this blunt wall that knocked me down a few days ago. This isn't what I was going to write about. Did you know that I'm not the coolest person to walk the earth? My mind constantly switches between thinking they think I'm a one of a kind fun little creature and believing they only talk to me because they think I need people to be nice to me and I worry that they think I'm super insecure and unstable and I really just hate these games and want to know plain and simple what they think of me and what the basis of our friendship is / I worry and overthink way too much. Other people do too right? I don't like doing it. At all / I guess I kind of build myself an unrealistic expectation of an emotion that I want to feel and then I forget how to feel anything else i.e. anything real. I just stumbled across this realization and cut the string that was tying my unrealistic expectations to my chest and now that that is gone reality is spilling into my head as we speak. I'm feeling real life again and it's giving me a mental whirlwind as well as a physical headache but it's also making me smile because I'm remembering things. I'm remembering that I can do things and that I haven't lost my worth because my worth is in Jesus and even if no one from this world see's it, God does and that is the only true worth there will ever be. So it is ok and so am I. There is so much happening in my head and I so dearly want to express it all so I can rid myself of this raging headache but I can't express anything because the minute I find a way to say what I want to say about one thing and start saying it, something really important jumps front and center in my brain and begs to be let out so am I supposed to continually be switching topics or am I supposed to keep rolling with something once I start and not stop till I am finished even if it means I will most definitely forget ten other things I wanted to say. I don't know. I could very easily let go and slip out of this reality and back into the hurting dump of confusement and unlabeled pain that lies to me and tells me it feels better than facing real life like the grown up child that I maybe should be. Haha, I don't know why I said "a few days ago" at the beginning of this because it was definitely a few weeks ago. Or longer. I kind of fall in and out of this alot. Haha, I say this as if you know what I'm talking about when that most probably is not the case. I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know if I'm talking or just letting things out through my forehead and over my shoulders right down my arms to my fingers onto this pen and letting them explode all over my paper. This post is getting super long and kind of personal and nothing like I expected. I have to write like this because of the way I so verbally process things. Usually I diguise posts like this as letters to people whom I don't know and so I write them in the third person and sometimes they are really directed to me and other times they are directed to people I know but I usually disguise them because I start to feel like I'm getting to personal but right now I really don't care and I have decided to put my heart out there. I'm a very open person but when I realize I've started closing up I get scared and tell myself that no one wants to know but I know that's not true and I know that it's best to first be completely honest with myself before anyone else. I thought that sometimes you have to hold on to nothing really really tight so you can stay in a real place. But what is real. This life, this earth, this small portion of our lives that is lived on this planet is definitely not reality. I have my own idea of what I think reality is, heaven, but you can decide for yourself what is going to be your reality and if you are ever going to face it.
maybe this helped someone. It helped me. Advice? Risk it. let go of your fears and put your heart out there no matter how many times it gets hurt. You still have to guard your heart but be honest about it to yourself and once you know you are being honest with yourself I think it is worth sharing with whoever puts in an effort to hear it. a good friend of mine says "Sometimes guarding you heart means giving a piece of it to someone who can protect it better than you can." - Chantel Charis Davis
I don't know why I wrote this or why I'm sharing it but I send my love and prayers to be genuine.
// l.b.
maybe this helped someone. It helped me. Advice? Risk it. let go of your fears and put your heart out there no matter how many times it gets hurt. You still have to guard your heart but be honest about it to yourself and once you know you are being honest with yourself I think it is worth sharing with whoever puts in an effort to hear it. a good friend of mine says "Sometimes guarding you heart means giving a piece of it to someone who can protect it better than you can." - Chantel Charis Davis
I don't know why I wrote this or why I'm sharing it but I send my love and prayers to be genuine.
// l.b.