she's the kind of girl
who'll fracture her
mind till its light and
she'll break her
own heart and you
know that she'll
break your heart too / r.s.
let go of her hand
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[well this looks terrible on mobile ok]
she's the kind of girl who'll fracture her mind till its light and she'll break her own heart and you know that she'll break your heart too / r.s. let go of her hand
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[well this looks terrible on mobile ok] The hearts annoying isn't it? We show it the musical score we want played yet it prances away on it's own thrilling waltz with a dash of scream-o. You ask kindly but the instrument is oblivious to guidance and merely wants to mess with your head in a cruel but sadly sweet way. It hurts and you play along like you know the music but you don't and it breaks you down till your only fingers and toes. Toes. What are they for - if you use them correct you can win a life but they often slip and then you lose your own. But maybe we have toes so we can lose our lives and discover that we don't need them - discover that we can instead save other people's. That requires a heart don't you forget, but breathe out because it doesn't have to be tamed in fact just the opposite with a tint of self composure and you'll learn your walking steady now. Did you ever think of that little lady? When the doctor diagnosed you as lost did you think that it could save someone's life? Did you think you'd be walking steady only because your life had run away? No I don't think you did. But I have dripped in the seedlings and I ask you to water them thrice daily and till the ground when in need of fresh air. Don't worry about it wilting because this tree can't do that nope it'll just keep growing until it has taken over your mind and you have one mission. There she is the elegant mistress. She doesn't look nice but she isn't supposed too. She looks like art and art isn't supposed to look nice it's supposed to make you feel. You see she was once you and I gave her this tree and she watered it well but now she has too much love and hurts herself when she can't save enough lives. Don't worry though that was drawn in the lines. And underneath the hurt she's found a happiness that sticks and sweet one you too can find it so keep watering your tree and balancing on your toes and your heart will play the melody it wishes but now little fighter - you'll be able to sing along. I guess you needed to hear that "nobody but me" is a lie. I'm confused as to if there is more you could do or more you are supposed to be doing right now. None of us enjoy it when you're sick not even you.
I just want to take a ride and ride good and long and let the wind rush through my brain and blow out all the extra things that confuse me. I think that maybe if I do the wind will leave me with only the core and the strong pieces that couldn't be blown out and that way I will know what to think about. I will know what to prioritize and I will know what I'm really feeling and when I know those things maybe I can continue to live. Unfortunately that's not quite how things work but I was told of another way to settle down and keep living. It actually doesn't include any settling but instead learning how to be content in the unsettledness. Learning how to take the feeling of not knowing what you're feeling and work with that and keep carrying on despite the circus in your head. Let's not ignore it instead let us fall into it and breathe. That is when we will start to learn the lines drawn out for us. Try that? It hurts alot but it's a helpful hurt. Your mismuddled thoughts are tangling themselves faster and you are pretty sure no one else understands you at this point. You probably don't even understand.
Why are you still trying? I can't believe you actually just asked yourself that question. Little buddy you're still trying because it matters and it's ok if it matters and that is allowed I promise. Mattering is good, mattering means you're feeling and feeling means you're still awake and being awake means you're doing something right. Or someone's doing something right. I could consider that you asked because you needed to be asked and you were upset because you needed a fantasy-check. You're hiding in a fantasy from another fantasy and neither ones working. Now you're not making sense and you try once more not to give in and lose yourself because the more you scribble the more confused you seem but the more the possibility of finding yourself seems a possibility. Possibility...why do they say that? Everything's a possibility and denying the fact is admitting you've staled up. I guess once you grasp the not understanding part you have reached the peak of understanding. I'm not sure if that's plausible but it's what's happening and look, I see you've found a smile. That makes me smile and helps me to sit back into my pool of mismuddled happenings and take a breath of content. I see your fingers are wrapped around that smile because you don't want to lose it but you know we all lose our training wheels sometime and when you're ready feel free to let go because little sister, I know you can. Maybe if I tell myself enough. The last thing you would want to do is break the one that means so much to you. "Can't we all be friends please?" You whisper into your hair. It hurts you and you know it hurts them more but you wonder if that's ok and if that's right and if that's what's going to fix it. Breathe a little deeper now you'll be alright. What about them? They aren't yours and there's only so much you can do. So rest your beating heart because you still love them and God knows that my friend.
I patted the cereal box on it's back and let a few more sawdust rings fall into the porcelain bowl that I was grasping in my right hand. My faded baby blue bandana fell off of my wrist just as I decided I had enough dry Cheerios for the night so I picked it up and single handedly tied it back around my wrist as I put the cardboard box that was two thirds of the way filled with stale-ing Cheerios back onto the crowded shelf and pushed it around till I felt confident that it would not fall. My bare feet slapped across the tiles as my oversized grey Greece sweatshirt warmed my arms up and I stepped into the window surrounded room. I sat down on the love seat, wrapped myself up in a quilt and let my damp hair fall down in a borderline uncomfortable cascade onto my neck. The house was quiet and dark and I could see stars through the skylights as my mind continued to rapidly yet respectfully converse with itself.
This is really the most wonderful thing for my soul after a nice night of friends and food. Thinking about it tonight should probably have been filled with some super stressful, worrisome and uncomfortable hours due to the fact that my final paper for my Composition II class was due at midnight and that it was not near finished. Somehow it happened to be one of the best nights I've had in a while. My oldest sister and some of her friends from college visited for dinner which included multiple plunges into the ice cold waters of our pool, an hour or so in the hot tub and a few hours eating cupcakes and drinking coffee while we discussed personalities and laughed. I went to the computer around 11:00 to finish four or so pages of my paper within less than an hour and got it sent in on time and finished to a satisfactory state. I then got up to discover a sleeping house with all the lights off and decided to munch on some dry Cheerios until my brain stopped wandering and decided to sleep. This isn't the firsr time I've sat in the sunroom with a quilt and a bowl of dry Cheerios while the rest of my family slept. The night we arrived home from our spring break in Mexico I did the exact same thing and meant to write about it but never got around to it. Writing this has reminded me how tired I am and I think I better go to sleep. Tonight reminded me to treasure moments and not let them slip through your fingertips. It also reminded me that growing up happens and sometimes it really hurts. It hurts because growing up means remaining a child yet letting go of your childhood. I think us humans so often want to become an adult while we live in our childhood which is the opposite of what we were designed to do. It seems as if it would hurt less if we could do all the adult things but do them as we live in our childhood. Sadly but thankfully that is not what growing up means. Growing up means you get to stay a child and stay yourself and you don't have to conform to any molds but it also means you have to let go of your childhood which can really really hurt. But growing up is part of life so I'm going to start teaching myself to embrace it and find a reason to be passionate about it. // l.b. You say it too much but not near enough, how are you supposed to know who needs your voice today? You reach with your broken fingertips to build up their world but it tumbles faster than you were designed to handle. Someone else starts falling and you reach but you're too late and now you've lost them all. You say you didn't want to save the world you just wanted to save theirs but honey "just theirs" means everyone to you. Your small chin is melting down and you tell yourself you're useless, that the gift in your heart won't save anyone. Hey now little girl you have stars in your eyes don't let them fall out with your tears. God has given you capabilities and a full heart but he hasn't asked you to save lives.
You know you do right? You teach people how to save their lives but not everyone cares to know. Some people have broken through too many layers to consider taking your help. But even them, sweet one, even they feel your heart pounding in their faces enveloping them with love so get up off your knees and blow another kiss. Then a few more. I know you have endless and each are packed with remedies. Don't stop smiling because joining in their struggles doesn't fix them it only prolongs hurt. You make smiles you know? Keep doing it beautiful girl. |