How do you feel about bedtime stories? Do you wish she'd stop? Do the stories mean less the more they are told or are they different every time? How about when she tells you that story every night, the one you love, do you grow closer to it and does your love grow stronger or has it slowly lost its special when the rush from hearing it for the first time goes away. I like bedtime stories. Even when they get old there is comfort and a little hug that they never fail to share.
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friends.
live mumford+sons loose braids open hearts upside down mugs capturing feelings creating things I want to see understanding those things aren't reality blessings. little girls people who tell me its ok to be me being me accepting myself aches from missing someone missing something you never had in the first place black and white and black and white and black and white happiness because life I have to remind myself that it's ok to care for certain people. And I cant stop that. I really care for some people who I would rather not, I would rather them mean nothing to me and I would rather me mean nothing to them and though I have no idea what I am in their eyes I know that they really mean alot to me and I'm going to miss them alot when I'm at the lake this summer but I can't tell them that. I would rather just be completely honest but I think sometimes its better to hold back on some things sometimes to protect others as well as yourselves. My own work is almost inspiring me over this blunt wall that knocked me down a few days ago. This isn't what I was going to write about. Did you know that I'm not the coolest person to walk the earth? My mind constantly switches between thinking they think I'm a one of a kind fun little creature and believing they only talk to me because they think I need people to be nice to me and I worry that they think I'm super insecure and unstable and I really just hate these games and want to know plain and simple what they think of me and what the basis of our friendship is / I worry and overthink way too much. Other people do too right? I don't like doing it. At all / I guess I kind of build myself an unrealistic expectation of an emotion that I want to feel and then I forget how to feel anything else i.e. anything real. I just stumbled across this realization and cut the string that was tying my unrealistic expectations to my chest and now that that is gone reality is spilling into my head as we speak. I'm feeling real life again and it's giving me a mental whirlwind as well as a physical headache but it's also making me smile because I'm remembering things. I'm remembering that I can do things and that I haven't lost my worth because my worth is in Jesus and even if no one from this world see's it, God does and that is the only true worth there will ever be. So it is ok and so am I. There is so much happening in my head and I so dearly want to express it all so I can rid myself of this raging headache but I can't express anything because the minute I find a way to say what I want to say about one thing and start saying it, something really important jumps front and center in my brain and begs to be let out so am I supposed to continually be switching topics or am I supposed to keep rolling with something once I start and not stop till I am finished even if it means I will most definitely forget ten other things I wanted to say. I don't know. I could very easily let go and slip out of this reality and back into the hurting dump of confusement and unlabeled pain that lies to me and tells me it feels better than facing real life like the grown up child that I maybe should be. Haha, I don't know why I said "a few days ago" at the beginning of this because it was definitely a few weeks ago. Or longer. I kind of fall in and out of this alot. Haha, I say this as if you know what I'm talking about when that most probably is not the case. I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know if I'm talking or just letting things out through my forehead and over my shoulders right down my arms to my fingers onto this pen and letting them explode all over my paper. This post is getting super long and kind of personal and nothing like I expected. I have to write like this because of the way I so verbally process things. Usually I diguise posts like this as letters to people whom I don't know and so I write them in the third person and sometimes they are really directed to me and other times they are directed to people I know but I usually disguise them because I start to feel like I'm getting to personal but right now I really don't care and I have decided to put my heart out there. I'm a very open person but when I realize I've started closing up I get scared and tell myself that no one wants to know but I know that's not true and I know that it's best to first be completely honest with myself before anyone else. I thought that sometimes you have to hold on to nothing really really tight so you can stay in a real place. But what is real. This life, this earth, this small portion of our lives that is lived on this planet is definitely not reality. I have my own idea of what I think reality is, heaven, but you can decide for yourself what is going to be your reality and if you are ever going to face it.
maybe this helped someone. It helped me. Advice? Risk it. let go of your fears and put your heart out there no matter how many times it gets hurt. You still have to guard your heart but be honest about it to yourself and once you know you are being honest with yourself I think it is worth sharing with whoever puts in an effort to hear it. a good friend of mine says "Sometimes guarding you heart means giving a piece of it to someone who can protect it better than you can." - Chantel Charis Davis I don't know why I wrote this or why I'm sharing it but I send my love and prayers to be genuine. // l.b. My friend Amalia is really cool to be honest and she likes to show up at my house at the most unexpected times and either bring me food, particpate in my families activities or take me on an adventure. On one of the first day's of June she took me for an adventure which involved a sand box, me eating a lot of {grass, cheese and cookies} and a lot of laughter. // l.b.
A little something I learned this month: Stop waiting for friday, for summer, for someone to fall in love with you, for life. Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it and make the most of the moment you are in now. I get bored very easily sometimes and I let myself learn to dread things and learn to eagerly await things that actually don't matter in the long run. I find myself waiting for a moment that will excite my senses and make me feel happy. This month I was reminded more than usual how flimsy and temporary those little happy feels are. I was reminded how wonderful it is to dig through a pile of old books and spend an hour reading one of your first chapter books when you could be sleeping but it was really a nice book and brought back a lot of memories so it was pretty much worth it. I was reminded how delightful it is to find new music and take your little sister outside to finger paint pictures of each other. I was reminded that friends are really great and family is too and sometimes making other people happy and pointing them back to God is the best way to find lasting joy. I learned that people are still fun even after they have changed. I've learned that my big sisters are blessings. I learned that writing prayers for my friends down on paper helped me think more clearly. I learned that trying new things is fun and nourishing your inner child is so very very very fun. May was nice and I am thankful for every single day of it and how God blessed me again and again and again. got new shoes and they took me a lot of places new music happened I enjoy sandwiches travel happened the clouds are delightful sometimes a lot of bonfires happened // l.b. [well this looks terrible on mobile ok]
she's the kind of girl who'll fracture her mind till its light and she'll break her own heart and you know that she'll break your heart too / r.s. let go of her hand [well this looks terrible on mobile ok] The hearts annoying isn't it? We show it the musical score we want played yet it prances away on it's own thrilling waltz with a dash of scream-o. You ask kindly but the instrument is oblivious to guidance and merely wants to mess with your head in a cruel but sadly sweet way. It hurts and you play along like you know the music but you don't and it breaks you down till your only fingers and toes. Toes. What are they for - if you use them correct you can win a life but they often slip and then you lose your own. But maybe we have toes so we can lose our lives and discover that we don't need them - discover that we can instead save other people's. That requires a heart don't you forget, but breathe out because it doesn't have to be tamed in fact just the opposite with a tint of self composure and you'll learn your walking steady now. Did you ever think of that little lady? When the doctor diagnosed you as lost did you think that it could save someone's life? Did you think you'd be walking steady only because your life had run away? No I don't think you did. But I have dripped in the seedlings and I ask you to water them thrice daily and till the ground when in need of fresh air. Don't worry about it wilting because this tree can't do that nope it'll just keep growing until it has taken over your mind and you have one mission. There she is the elegant mistress. She doesn't look nice but she isn't supposed too. She looks like art and art isn't supposed to look nice it's supposed to make you feel. You see she was once you and I gave her this tree and she watered it well but now she has too much love and hurts herself when she can't save enough lives. Don't worry though that was drawn in the lines. And underneath the hurt she's found a happiness that sticks and sweet one you too can find it so keep watering your tree and balancing on your toes and your heart will play the melody it wishes but now little fighter - you'll be able to sing along. I guess you needed to hear that "nobody but me" is a lie. I'm confused as to if there is more you could do or more you are supposed to be doing right now. None of us enjoy it when you're sick not even you.
I just want to take a ride and ride good and long and let the wind rush through my brain and blow out all the extra things that confuse me. I think that maybe if I do the wind will leave me with only the core and the strong pieces that couldn't be blown out and that way I will know what to think about. I will know what to prioritize and I will know what I'm really feeling and when I know those things maybe I can continue to live. Unfortunately that's not quite how things work but I was told of another way to settle down and keep living. It actually doesn't include any settling but instead learning how to be content in the unsettledness. Learning how to take the feeling of not knowing what you're feeling and work with that and keep carrying on despite the circus in your head. Let's not ignore it instead let us fall into it and breathe. That is when we will start to learn the lines drawn out for us. Try that? It hurts alot but it's a helpful hurt. Your mismuddled thoughts are tangling themselves faster and you are pretty sure no one else understands you at this point. You probably don't even understand.
Why are you still trying? I can't believe you actually just asked yourself that question. Little buddy you're still trying because it matters and it's ok if it matters and that is allowed I promise. Mattering is good, mattering means you're feeling and feeling means you're still awake and being awake means you're doing something right. Or someone's doing something right. I could consider that you asked because you needed to be asked and you were upset because you needed a fantasy-check. You're hiding in a fantasy from another fantasy and neither ones working. Now you're not making sense and you try once more not to give in and lose yourself because the more you scribble the more confused you seem but the more the possibility of finding yourself seems a possibility. Possibility...why do they say that? Everything's a possibility and denying the fact is admitting you've staled up. I guess once you grasp the not understanding part you have reached the peak of understanding. I'm not sure if that's plausible but it's what's happening and look, I see you've found a smile. That makes me smile and helps me to sit back into my pool of mismuddled happenings and take a breath of content. I see your fingers are wrapped around that smile because you don't want to lose it but you know we all lose our training wheels sometime and when you're ready feel free to let go because little sister, I know you can. |